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Author Topic: How Will I Know If I Am Ready?  (Read 1221 times)

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How Will I Know If I Am Ready?
« Reply #1 on: July 19, 2009, 04:59:33 PM »
This is a post from a member on our previous forum. This post was on a board called Some Member's Thoughts About When They Were Ready. Words inside the (parenthes is) were added to aid readabili ty, and may be removed if requested by our member.

Things are not (always) what they seem...

The very first time I knew things were bad was right after I first got attacked. I knew it was wrong, and that I should tell someone so something could happen, justice, fate, revenge.. ..

I knew that if I just pretended nothing happened, forgot about it and locked it away in my deepest memories, I would survive. If I concentra ted hard enough I wouldn't have to think about what happened. I WOULD be just fine.

After a while, I noticed that certian things I once enjoyed, I now came to despise, and vice versa. I picked up smoking and started to self harm. Recently i drank my way into a no pain zone. I started hallucina ting and having Fl*shb*cks, then I blacked out. Once I got to the black out stage, I didn't care what happened to me. At least I didn't have to deal with -him- (my perpetrat or).

The first time I ended up in the hospital, detoxing off of street bought pain killers, heavy alcohol and natural herbs to relax, they asked me what had brought me to this stage. I told them. Everythin g. The doctor had other patients to attend to, had other things he needed to oversee. but instead, he sat on my gurney and listened. It wasn't like confessin g to a professio nal, like a counselor or a psych. He patted my hand, looked worried and asked few questions . When I was done sobbing (out) my story, he asked the one question that I cannot ever forget,  for as long as I live.

"What would your son do with out you?"

My baby boy is (now) 19 months old and my pride and joy. he is quite literally my surprise baby. I wasn't supposed to be able to get pregnant without doctors help. Four months after I got married, on my 18th birthday, I found out i was 8 weeks along. I would do anything for him, and I mean it. If anyone reading this is a parent, they understan d.

Now I look at him and I see that he is my "anti-drug". I think of hurting myself, or doing something stupid otherwsie, I look at him and I just cant.

I went through depressio n for six years. I now have my baby son to protect me from anything (especiall y myself). Thank you, baby boy.


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